Yesterday we celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. Our family was once again separated by the all too frequent theme of CANCER.
9 Years ago when I said I Do it was with the intent to live forever with my best friends, have a few children, and live happily ever after on a farm. Yesterday marked our second anniversary where that was not the case. Sidney’s diagnosis has forever changed and shaped our family. On May 25, 2016 our ideal life/marriage died at diagnosis. So why was this anniversary more difficult then the last to comprehend the changes?
I have pondered this question all day. Tossing around feelings and ideas to justify to myself the reason my feelings are extra raw. My conclusion is that my marriage isn’t at the level I had originally intended it to be 9 years ago. If you stick with me I will explain a little more.
Love blinds people with the excitement of forever. You get married with the thought that the “better” is going to be great and the “worst” is probably just going to be a man cold, dealing with in-laws, or even sleepless nights because your kids wont go to bed. The moment the “worst” hits is the true test of the marriage.
Andy and I have always had what we consider separate lives united together. We both work outside of the home and assume different responsibilities inside the home. We choose to participate in different actives and we can rarely be seen together. You may be thinking this is your problem. This is not a good combination… well it works for us… and has served to be our biggest asset. One of my responsibilities is typically running and managing the kids’ schedules.
The first week we were home after Sidney was diagnosed Andy and I were having a lengthy discussion of what we should do next. He looked me in the eyes and said. “She is my daughter too and I will be at every appointment. You do not need to do this alone.” This was the pivoting moment in our relationship. I could have refused and he could have run. Instead we linked together and faced the next several months/years as a united front.
Here lies another problem. I have spent the last several paragraphs talking about our daughter. And to catch you up to speed this same daughter had to spend several hours in the Emergency room on our anniversary getting fluids and antibiotics. While Andy and I were with her our son was home with my parents. This is why my heart aches on this anniversary. Andy and I have become this amazing united front, but someone always gets left out.
How do you explain to a 6 and 7 year old why at the drop of a hat plans change, why there are random tears, and more importantly why there life is so much different then there friends. If you can answer these questions please let me know. Until we figure out a better way we stick to the honest truth. So, as I sat down with my son tonight he enlightened me with his wise beyond his years thoughts. “Mom, you leave me because you love me and Sidney. It’s ok. I have fun when your gone.” Wow, Is it really that simple.
So, no my marriage is not at the level I intended it to be when signed on 9 years ago. It is has far surpassed my wildest dreams. The bond I have with my husband and children is the type of bond I thought only existed in the fairytales. (full disclosure… we still have our ups and downs just like everyone else). The reason this year was so much more difficult then the last is the realization that my heart is so full of love. That for once in my life I am doing something right.
If I could pass one thing on besides Faith then family it would be: Stay honest and true. You married your spouse not your girlfriends (or buddies). So when you hit your “worst” parts of your marriage remember to communicate with your spouse honesty not your friends. Because as a united front you can move mountains.